| do we really believe? |
[Mar. 22nd, 2009|04:47 pm] |
You know, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if someone actually lived like they believed what they profess. I don't mean they don't believe it - I believe with certainty that God loves me, and that what happens in my life is His hand at work for my good and his purpose. Because I believe with certainty that it is impossible for Him to lie and I believe that the Bible is His word and that what the Bible says is what He is saying - and there are so many promises in the Bible directed at those who come to him. And I come to him. [insert latin phrase I can't remember from logic class that means thus it is proved(at least, given those premises my conclusion is correct)]. Yet I don't live like it. Or at least, I believe it but so often at the exact same time I don't. If I'm painting and forget to open the doors to ventilate (I've got a bunch of allergies that in addition to physical symptoms trigger the emotional symptoms of my depression as well), I think about all the times we thought we were going to be missionaries, and I feel rejected. And then I feel like I must not be good enough and I... and it spirals down.
My pastor teaches, preaches and I know believes that God will provide, that the Bible teaches prayers will be answered, that God wants us to trust Him and not our wealth, and do what we believe He wants us to do, casting ourselves on Him for the result. And yet in private counseling, or in conversation, he has a tendency to give the opposite advice. Hedge your money, don't give me the twenty dollars to put in the offering plate when you're an elderly widow living on a fixed income. I know you want to give and give but you're on a minimum wage job, hold onto your money. I know the tithe is ten percent but you're not earning even enough to live on, you could just start with 2 percent - aren't you nervous about hiking the A.T. with Charlie's back. You really think you can live on just your husband-to-be's income? I know you believe that a wife should be at home (actually, I just believe that my own calling from God is to be a wife at home), but surely you'll admit that there are times where you just have to work and have two incomes...
oh God, help us to live and encourage others to live like we believe what we believe instead of sowing doubt in our own minds or sowing the doubt in our minds into the lives of others who have already decided in their hearts what to give You. |
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| Ben Entwistle went home to be with Christ |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|08:17 am] |
From Roy and Judy:
Dear Family and Friends,
We just had a call from Dan in South Africa. He reported that Ben did really well for the first 3 1/2 hours of the flight. Then, his heart developed problems. The team on the plane did everything possible to revive Ben, but the pulse stopped and nothing could be done. The plane had been on the ground about 20 minutes when Dan called. He was still at the plane and trying to determine what to do. He really has no one in South Africa to turn to for help. He needs immediate prayer for wisdom and he desperately needs God’s presence and strength. Judy found this wonderful verse in Psalm 54:4. ”Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one that sustains me.” We are praying this for Dan and Lynda and for the dear children. We are also claiming it for our entire family.
At times like this it is so wonderful to have Jesus, whose eye is on the sparrow. We know He is grieving with us. He has not failed. Once again life has triumphed over death. We have total confidence that Ben is 100% well and we will see him again. God is good all the time and even Ben’s passing comes through His loving hand.
If any reading this message do not know the Lord or has wandered from Him, we plead with you to come to Him. At such times in life, there is nothing like knowing that one’s sins are forgiven and that Jesus is able to present us faultless before the Throne of Grace. That is what He has done for Ben. He has done it because He loves Ben, not because Ben deserved it. Oh what comfort we have despite the tears.
Our family wants to thank all of you who have prayed us through this time of pain. Your messages have brought solace and encouragement. We have felt the love of literally thousands and have thanked God over and over again that we are part of the family of God.
To God be the glory!
Much love to all,
Roy and Judy on behalf of our family |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|07:06 pm] |
There is now a blog set up with updated information about Ben Entwistle's situation. As of the latest update, he is flying med-evac from Kenya to South Africa for surgery.
For any more recent updates:
http://www. benentwistle. com/?p=13 |
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| another update on Ben's condition |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|04:17 pm] |
Quick summary if you don't want to read the whole thing:
Ben's condition is such that surgery is absolutely necessary to repair a vegitative valve in his heart. The facilities in Kenya are not good enough, not capable of handling it but he's not stable enough to make it to the states. They're airlifting him to South Africa - the distance being about the same as from Chattanooga to Seattle - so they can do his surgery there. He's in the air right now.
pray for healing, and for him to be able to remain stable during the flight, and for his family (his dad's flying with him, the rest are coming commercially).
More later as it comes available.
Jonathan Bonetti (Covenant) wrote
at 10:15am
Hey everyone, this is an email that my family just received on ben's condition. He really really really needs our prayers right now. Thank you all so much for your response to this. His family is forever gratefull. love you guys. -bonetti
"The last update I received this morning was from Dan's parents:
Following is a letter received from Dan this morning. In addition to this information, we have just talked to Dan. He confirms that Ben is breathing much faster and has been diagnosed with either pneumonia or Disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC). The decision has been made to med-evac Ben as the last hope of saving him. Because no one feels he could make the trip to the States, they are taking him to South Africa. Dan is now trying to make all the arrangements necessary and to find a place to stay in South Africa. Lynda and the children will be flying out commercially, while Dan accompanies Ben. Dan's letter says it all. Thank you for praying. Love, Roy and Judy
Mychal Phillips (New York, NY) wrote
at 10:44am
Hey guys,
Meadowview Church is raising money for Ben...100% of money sent to Meadoview will be WIRED to Ben's family ASAP to help cover costs of medical expenses and the helicopter. PLEASE SEND WHATEVER YOU CAN! Every little bit helps!
Send a check or money with a note inside saying FOR BEN ENTWISTLE.
Meadowview Presbyterian Church
1 Graceway Drive
Lexington, NC 27295
KEEP PRAYING! God's gonna do a miracle!
Erica Dellinger (Appalachian State) wrote
at 11:25am
Hi everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I started a group called Ceaselessly Praying for Ben. Basically it is a page where people can commit to praying for Ben around the clock until we witness a miracle. Please, comment on the discussion board and commit to praying for Ben in 15 min. slots. If we join together, then Ben will be prayed for "Ceaselessly." Please join with me in commiting to praying for Ben unitl he is healed.
Ron Brown (Covenant) wrote
at 12:10pm
The latest information received here at Covenant regarding Ben is that they are prepping him for travel to South Africa for surgery since he is too sick to make the trip to the US. If this information is correct we ought to pray that he will be safe en route, that he would be kept safe through the surgery and that the surgery would be successful.
Lynne Yagel (Virginia Beach / Norfolk, VA) wrote
at 3:39pm
Pray fervently!! It is a LONG way from Kenya to S Africa -- kinda like flying a person from Chattanooga to Seattle because he was too sick to be cared for in the hospitals in Atlanta!!!!!
Rebekah Rineer wrote
at 3:59pm
Praying for Ben as he and his Dad are in the air from NBO to Jo-burg, SA! Praise the Lord for the same hospital and cardiologist from 4 years ago when Ben was in a similar situation with the rheumatic heart disease! Praying for Lynda and the other kids as they wrap some things up in Kenya and then fly down to SA to be with Dan and Ben.
Lord - Your will be done, but we are asking you to do a miracle in Ben's body - even as he is transported to South Africa! Please keep them safe! Please give each member of the family and each doctor peace as they attempt to stabalize Ben! Amen. |
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| update on Ben Entwistle |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|08:36 am] |
once again, in the words of those who know what's going on...
Kr Davis (CGIAR) wrote
at 10:51pm yesterday
We were able to speak to Dan this afternoon. As a result of that conversation, I wish to correct one item included in the update I sent this morning. There is no firm evidence that "bacterial growth has spread to the kidneys." This information was passed to us in a round-about way and did not come directly from Dan and Lynda. It is true that evidence of the "showering" of debris is evident in Ben's body as small purple spots appear where the debris has lodged in capillaries.
Today, Dan confirmed that Ben seems a bit weaker. His blood pressure has been up and he has experienced nausea and vomiting today. He has taken in almost no food and is very restless. A good sign was that he was able to grip Dan's hand quite firmly, but still has no movement in his right arm or leg.
Tomorrow morning they expect to receive preliminary results from the blood culture. This will indicate if the strong antibiotics they are administering need to be adjusted. Dan, who is a doctor, is in consultation with other doctors in Kenya and in the US.
Serious consideration is being given to med-evacing (sp?) Ben to America, but it is fraught with danger as movement could dislodge more debris and it could travel in Ben's system. On the other hand, it appears that surgery is a critical next step and it is very desirable to have it done in the US, rather than in Kenya. This is a huge decision and your prayers for wisdom are so very much appreciated.
I am guessing that my descriptions of medical conditions could be less than 100% accurate, but I have tried to be careful in describing what we understand.
We are totally humbled when we receive so many messages from you dear folks and as we realize how far and wide this information has been disseminated.
Kr Davis (CGIAR) wrote
at 5:38am
Susie Entwistle Hampton asked me to post this messge from Ben's dad:
"Well it's Monday morning here in Kijabe. I spent the night with the kids here, though it wasn't a very restful night. Met with Peter Bird, a surgeon, and with Steve Letchford who is a sharp internist and also with Nate Smith who is an internist and I gather specialist in Infectious Diseases. From Nate's experience, he's saying it's not a matter of whether Ben will go to surgery (it is critical he has surgery on his heart as one of the valves is vegatative), just when. We are in contact with the people at CHOP (Children's Hosp of Philly) through Mike (brother in law), and we are waiting to hear what they say on it. If it's true, then we'll probably be trying to get Ben back there as soon as possible, while he is relatively stable. He could become very unstable very quickly, and I don't know if we are headed that way as I write.
Lynda called me a little less than an hour ago to say that poor Ben is breathing much faster today, in the 40's per minute. I had noticed a change yesterday, when he was breathing in the 30's/minute as opposed to the 20's/minute the day before. But I'm very worried with it now in the 40's, and his oxygen saturations have been lower to mid 90's (%). So he may be becoming unstable. Also, he has a low platelet count since he came in, and to everyone here last night that could be DIC (disseminated intravascular coagulation) which can happen in severe infections and is not good at all. Also, he is very, very agitated--ripping his oxygen off this morning and very restless. I think they will have to use sedation more frequently. Dear Ben man! Well, all that is to say we so value your prayers, family. God knows all things and can turn the tide or let it rumble on, and I am confident no matter what happens that He is both good and loving. We will keep you informed."
Kr Davis (CGIAR) wrote
at 5:42am
Susie says, In addition to the information I just send, my parents have just talked to Dan. He confirms that Ben is breathing much faster and has been diagnosed with either pneumonia or Disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC). The decision has been made to med-evac Ben as the last hope of saving him.
Because no one feels he could make the trip to the States, they are taking him to South Africa. Dan is now trying to make all the arrangements necessary and to find a place to stay in South Africa. Lynda and the children will be flying out commercially, while Dan accompanies Ben. Thank you for praying. Love, Roy and Judy
Owen Leber (Covenant) wrote5 hours ago
So i've been in and out of the hospital with ben for the last few days since he was admitted. Ben essentially suffered a stroke after the valve he had repaired previously became infected. He has very little movement on the right side of his body and his speech is very slurred. Please keep him close in your prayers. He is still in good spirits though. Everyone who knows ben knows how positive he is and i want you all to know he hasn't lost that. In fact yesterday i told him that i tried to use his motorcycle helmet to go riding but that it didn't fit. he proceeded to tell me "it's because you have a fat head owen." so i just wanted to let you all know i've told him you're praying for him and and he sends his love and appreciation to all of you. if you have any specific messages for ben i'll be going to the hospital again tonight or tomoro so feel free to send them to me so i can print them out for him. Thanks again everyone and remember to never stop praying, even for his family.
Carolyn Coley Koning (Raleigh / Durham, NC) wrote
at 6:49am
I hear that Mozambique is having a day of prayer and fasting for Ben today. People in Kijabe will be meeting at 8:00 p.m. Kenya time (1:00 p.m. Eastern) to pray for Ben. |
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| URGENT prayer request |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|08:37 pm] |
Dear friends,
I just learned a few minutes ago that Ben Entwistle (a friend, a Covenant student, and a former member of West Brow Fire and Rescue) became ill while visiting friends and family in Nairobi Kenya. Since I don't know anything but what I discovered on facebook, I'm going to enclose all the information available. Please pray - it seems like this is an urgent situation with life or death in the balance in the matter of hours. I don't know what time zone the time stamps are but this seems to be pretty urgent - please pray.
"Ben is over in Nairobi, Kenya (Africa). He was there for Alumni at RVA and to visit with friends and family. He became ill and has been in the hospital for a little while. They believe he has had a stroke and he can't move his right leg right now. Ben and his family really need prayer right now. Be praying for a full recovery and for peace for everyone who is with him. THIS GROUP IS TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT PRAYING FOR BEN AND HIS FAMILY. If you have any news, RELATING TO BEN, then please post information. Thank you all! " (yesterday)
Carolyn Coley Koning (Raleigh / Durham, NC) wrote
at 1:32pm
I don't know Ben personally, but I know his folks, Jesse, Lucy, and Seth as well as his grandparents, Roy and Judy; I'm on staff at RVA. Jonathan, thank you for creating this group. Everyone, thank you for your prayers. Here's the latest that we've heard on this side:
From Dr. Dudley Pate, "Apparently Ben has had an infection, and bacteria from this infection gathered around his damaged aortic valve. Several of these bacteria moved off to invade other parts of the body and some found their way into his brain, causing the stroke. Ben's right arm and leg appear paralyzed and his speech is slurred. His aortic valve appears to have suffered some further damage too."
From Dr. Peter Bird, "Ben's condition has not yet stabilized - the next 24-48 hrs will be critical. Dan and Lynda are getting understandably very tired ... Please continue in fervent prayer."
Carolyn Coley Koning (Raleigh / Durham, NC) wrote
at 3:26pm
From Steve (Ben's uncle) via Roy (Ben's grandfather): "The cardiologist in Nairobi has looked at the scan and other test results and the verdict is not good at all. The bacterial growth on the heart is so bad that it has spread to the kidneys and other places and might cause another stroke any time. The boy is in urgent need of heart surgery. Nairobi may not be equipped for what he needs but he is in no condition to be transported anywhere else either. Pray that through Gods interfering, with or without the antibiotics he has been given, Ben would recover at least well enough to get to where he can receive the treatment he needs. But God can even heal that boy completely. Dan, Lynda and the other kids are understandably very upset. Please pray for them all, the doctors, other hospital personnel that they would be diligent in what they need to do, the decisions that need to be made.... And Ben above all."
Carolyn Coley Koning (Raleigh / Durham, NC) wrote
at 3:27pm
From Roy (Ben's grandfather): "Despite the condition of Ben and the stress on the family, we continue to trust God. We know that God's eye is still on the sparrow and Ben is immensely more valuable to Him. Jesus is totally trustworthy and whatever the outcome, He will be there with grace and comfort. We continue to believe that in HIs perfect will Ben can be healed, but we also want what will bring Him glory and honor. We find that at such a time as this, there is tremendous comfort in knowing Ben is in the hands of His loving and all-powerful God."
Sheryce Butkowski (Covenant) wrote
at 3:58pm
hey guys...a new update for ben...
things seem to get harder and harder. please please please keep the prayers coming. bacterial growth is so bad it has spread to kidneys and other places. He needs urgent heart surgury. However Nairobi is not equiped and can't be transported. Please pray for a correct antibiotic to be found so he can be transported. Pray that God will feel his friends around him, it's hard being so far away.
If you're on facebook: check http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18505191838&ref=nf for updates. |
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| a new class, a new world of potential friends |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|07:47 am] |
"So you're a firefighter. Wow. And I don't mean that just because you're a woman, I just mean because I mean that's one hell of a job."
(slightly embarrassed) "Well, I mean, this shirt I'm just a volunteer"
"Well even more so - I mean, you don't even get paid to go save people"
I must admit, I'm not used to being around people who aren't around firemen all the time. I'm not used to being around people with just the public's perception of the emergency services. It's been what, three years since I've been around anyone who was impressed without knowing any of the distinctions involved.
Still, I'm not the only one in the class with a slightly incongruous job. There's a girl there who's an attorney. That seems to me even more surprising - she seems so young. But then, I guess most people don't think of firefighters as kids and I'm constantly around them. I say how the "general public has no idea" but I forget because I'm never around "the general public" anymore. Seems like all my friends either know me, so they've had their misconceptions corrected, or else they're firefighters too, or at least constantly around them. We're just people too, except like actors we live with our interactions a little closer to the surface. And we wear masks frequently at need.
But then, I was surprised in Gwinnett because no one there had ever had opportunity to volunteer, they were all hired either from the military or out of living with mom and dad. I guess it all depends on your background. And out here there's even fewer possibilities to volunteer. Which means the only people who get to be firefighters are those who want nothing else. At home most of them also do construction or medical work, everyone has some other life that pays.
I will say, it does seem like there might be a spark of interest on the part of mr T.A./classmate - at least an interest in being impressed and being friends. He was also really impressed at ability to follow him in the "mirror" acting exercise we did - he's in director's school, I guess he never did many acting exercises before. Not that I was all that flattered (Acting's another thing once you're used to doing it it's funny for anyone to be impressed), but I did enjoy the affirmation. I'd really like to make some good friends out of this class. It'll be good practice for interacting "in the moment" because always before when I found a spark of interest (which usually fanned my own) I over-reacted and killed any chance of a normal interaction. And any interest there might have been until the guy wants nothing more than to get away from me. Paul, Bennett... I guess my best bet is to be fully aware while at the same time not showing it, not reacting more than actual reaction. Just like if I don't know exactly where a camera is, then I might notice it later while it's on me as a part of the situation when a camera is supposed to be invisible - if it's reacted to then it ruins the authenticity of the moment.
Am I making any sense at all?
I'm sure it's just a period of interacting training where I have to be aware, until awareness will be instinctual. Right now I'm mostly amused by any interest - though also sometimes annoyed or concerned if it's too obvious. But my main emotional reaction is amusement because it's so new. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2008|12:24 pm] |
I've never really lived away from home before. I mean, I did spend around five months in Gwinnett County, but I came home every weekend, and since I was on the same time zone as everyone I knew, it was no problem to stay in contact with home. I really haven't left before.
I know - twnety-six is way too old for a first leaving home, and I should just shut up about it if I'm homesick. But just because I'm older than most people who leave home, doesn't mean it's not real. Even if it is odd, and not like what I'd really expected.
It's not really even that I want to go home. I don't have a life there right now. I have family, I have people, I have close friends, I have relationship - but it's empty when I know I have something God made me to do that I'm not ready to do, and the only way to be is to go away and learn. And there's nowhere better to learn how to be a film director than to move to Los Angeles.
And I like it here. Sometimes I even love it here - or I love large parts of where I am and what I'm doing.
But I'm not really here yet either. I mean, I am, obviously. I'm not in Chattanooga, I'm in Glendale. And almost everything is settled to say "I live in California." I don't have a PO box yet, but I have a local bank account, I've got a California EMT certificate, I've got an appointment for a California driver's license (and just in time too - my birthday is a week from Sunday and my appointment is a week from yesterday - and this is the year my GA license expires)... I've got a probable job in about two months if nothing else works out, and worst case scenario I scrape by on what I have saved until then (though I'm hoping for a different job because I want to be a filmmaker, not an EMT while I'm out here), plus I am registered for extra work so I can always do that.
But I'm not really here yet. I'm just in an in-between period. Like I've spent too much time at home. I hate the in-between periods, I wonder why God puts them in my life so very often. Obviously He's got some sort of lesson in leaning on Him instead of my own schedules and... It scares me, sometimes as much asfull-blown depression does, to feel aimless is the first step. I'm afraid to get sucked in by inertia before I've got my life planned out.
But where I'm at isn't because of anything wrong I'm doing - it's just part of the life I've been called to right now. It's hard but I knew it when I decided to move out here.
Paul said "I have learned to be content in all circumstances" - well, I want to, but I still haven't learned how to be content in the limbo, in the aimlessness. I can accept it, I can know it's God's plan and that it's good, I can know it's not permanent - but I stay restless. I can pretend it's homesickness, but it's not. It's limbo. I guess that's why God keeps bringing me back here again and again - not constantly because I do need to work, I need to serve and do - but a lot more frequently than He does for a lot of people. Because I am not content here - I have to lean on Him, I have to learn to depend more on Him because I can't depend on myself or anything else while I'm here.
I don't like it. I never like it. But I'm also afraid of it, because I'm afraid I like it more than I like pushing to change - and maybe it's not Him, it's just me having inertia is why I'm always here.
Just like I frequently find myself facing my depression again and again - because it's part of my inertia. I don't like it, but I don't like to fight it and sometimes I give in. And I'm very much afraid of giving in. Of giving up control because it's too much effort.
But God's in control, I don't have to be. Maybe that's why He keeps bringing me back - maybe this is my thorn in the flesh.
If I were really homesick, I'd actually call people. Or ask them to call me. And I don't. I read. Until I run out of books I want to read. Borders is too small. |
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| "were you trying to help me?" |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|01:47 pm] |
I was over at one of those outdoor mall things - really early in the morning actually. I have read every book I own (which is now down to about seven) twice in the last week and a half (some of them three or four times) so I was hungering to go find a bookstore and read the day away. I had an exhausting day yesterday so I thought maybe I would treat myself (I'd still be there if I hadn't decided I would come home for meals - it's out again after I eat lunch).
Only they weren't open yet (my body still hasn't quite adjusted to California time so six am is about the latest I can sleep in, maybe seven - it was 8:30 and the bookstore didn't open until 9:00). So I was journaling outside, catching up on some stuff that happened yesterday that I didn't write about (like the car wreck I saw, and I haven't yet written anything about finding a dead sea-slug and so getting into the aquarium for free to pet a live one).
But finally the bookstore opened and I headed over there. But as I did I saw an extension cord, plugged in outside but caught up around a bush. I hate when that happens, so I thought I could slide it up and over so the guy vacuuming whatever he was cleaning up out of the trolley tracks could have a couple extra feet of space.
It unplugged. The vacuum or blower (whatever it was) stopped, and I could see the guy looking my way immediately. I plugged it back in but he'd seen me. And so did two security guards. Darn. I didn't want anyone to notice. Even if I wasn't doing anything exactly wrong, no one likes customers interfering with maintenance work - even if the customer has done a fair share of it themselves. And I saw the two security guards go over to the maintenance guy, and they were looking over at me too.
So I figured I'd better explain and apologize. The guy set down his blower and came over towards me as I wandered in that direction. I guess the security guards figured he could have it under control, they didn't follow.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to unplug it."
"Were you trying to help me?"
"Yeah, I was trying to get it up over the bushes but I just unplugged it instead. I'm so sorry."
The funny thing was the tone of voice. I've done that sort of work before. I know if someone interferes, no matter how well-meaning, it's really irritating. I didn't want to mess it up but I'd managed to anyway. But he sounded grateful and puzzled. I wasn't expecting that. Especially since the effect was the opposite of help.
Still, at least the guards didn't arrest me :) |
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| I know I'm where I'm supposed to be |
[May. 28th, 2008|01:10 pm] |
Part of the reason I know that is that, unlike so often, I don't have to fight to be happy. Or if I do, it's only a little shove, a little push and then... I find myself not even consciously thinking about it, dreaming of something and just getting so excited I feel like who in the entire world is happier than me?
I picture myself getting to a certain place, doing a certain thing - and the attainment of a goal doesn't mean I'm miserable, because the goal itself is exciting. Usually I pursue something to be pursuing it, but once I reach a certain level it's almost pointless because I'm now bored with it. But I can picture my goal and actually see myself living there after getting it and staying excited, even if I'm comfortable and not having to struggle to learn something new.
I don't guess I'm making much sense, but I think I'm learning what God made me for and learning to live in that. It's awesome! It's so awesome!! |
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| For Pizar - who will appreciate :) |
[May. 16th, 2008|10:53 am] |
final page before the "readers guide" in Shoot the Moon, by Billie Letts.
A NOTE ABOUT THE TYPE
This book was set in Garamond 3, a typeface based on the Garamond font family created by type designer Claude Garamond (1490-1561), one of the master type founders and cutters of the sixteenth century. The Garamond fonts remained vastly used and very popular through the centuries because of their classic design and effortless legibility they offer to the eye. At the onset of the twentieth century the major foundries of the world modified most of the old typefaces to adapt to the changing technology of the times. The modern-day Garamond 3 was designed by Morris Fuller Benton (1872-1948) and Thomas Maitland Cleland (1880-1964), who based their work on seventeenth-century copies of Claude Garamond's fonts by Jean Jannon (1580-1658). It was first released in the 1930s and has been popular ever since as an all-purpose text face, working superbly for books and for display uses as well.
The theme and topic of Shoot the Moon has absolutely nothing to do with printing, typesetting, or writing. I have no idea why this typographical history lesson was included. |
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| From Michael Card's devotions from the studio |
[May. 12th, 2008|08:43 am] |
Not Provision but Presence
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
|| Matthew 28:20 || NLT ||
Who is Jesus for you? How is faithfulness written on his face? Might he impossibly be the very image of the God whose disturbing faithfulness to us looks like incarnation? Could it be that he came not to wave the magic wand and make the cancer go away, but to enter into our sufferings? Could it possibly be true that the best show of faithfulness is not the healing or the unexpected check, but the unthinkable truth that God has chosen to be with us through it all? Could it be that the greatest miracle is not provision, but presence?
APPLY: In what situations do you most need to know that God is with you? What are some practical ways you can do to remind yourself of his presence? |
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| Following Jessamyn |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|11:36 am] |
I'm moving to L.A.
popping in for three weeks in May to get some things taken care of (get a California EMT certificate and a security guard card so I can support myself without flipping burgers, find a place to live etc), and then driving out after my brother's wedding middle of June.
Wish me luck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2008|05:04 pm] |
Sometimes you get challenged to see if what you say really holds true. As cashier in the dining hall, I'm a bit of a cop, enforcing rules I didn't make, that sometimes make no sense to the students who have to obey them. I see all sorts of attitudes, from humility, ready compliance as soon as their told what the policy or new policy is, to reluctant acceptance even though they don't understand and think it's stupid, to vented frustration ranging from tone of voice to cursing, to blatant defiance - refusal to comply and then chewing me out for not "understanding that it's supposed to be much more than policy."
Then I find myself on the receiving end of a rule or a policy that I might not understand and think stupid - and I have to check my own attitude. I come out to find a ticket on my car - parked in "event parking" that hadn't been designated when I arrived at 6:15 in the morning - an event I was actually at, though catering instead of attending. And the indignation wells up. My situation is different, I should be an exception! Well, maybe. But how could they be expected to know that? That's why there's an appeals process.
The thing I've learned from enforcing the rules is that the important thing might not be the rule. But there are crucial life lessons that these students need to learn - it's not all about me, life does not have to revolve around my convenience or even my own circumstance.
Oh, there are ways to appeal, and I did. But even if that failed (and as far as I know it didn't - the person who everyone said "good luck on getting an appeal from her" was the one who said she'd put it in the system for me, since I couldn't access the online appeals process) - life has consequences. Sometimes they're reasonable and fair, sometimes they're unfair and arbitrary. But "attitude" only makes it worse. At the very very least it hurts your witness. You lose respect from the people you take it out on. And a lot of times it makes the people you're trying to push around be a lot less willing to be lenient if it's their call, and less likely to give you good service in the future. Winning the "battle" is not worth losing all that.
But the one who dishes it out needs to be prepared to take it. Otherwise - it's a power trip. Not sure I like that part. Oh well. Life has consequences. |
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| a journey - quotes from old entries |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|03:02 pm] |
It really bothers me how little time the kids get to spend in a loving, nurturing HOME, as opposed to an institution where a lot of artificial restrictions occur for the sake of keeping them in order. These kids are here more than many adults are at a full time job. When do they get to be their parents' kids?
why can't I talk about God?
-February 9, 2005
I had no idea how wonderful God being enough really is. I was afraid that I'd find he really wasn't. But He is.
it's enough
-April 5, 2005
I have found that being his friend knowing that it will not turn into a romance (i.e. having no hope) is so much better than being his friend while wishing that he liked me. When I gave up hope for more, I found that what I had was better than what I thought I wanted.
there is no "just" in "just friends"
-April 23, 2005
But that's mean. She really is trying to help, and I do have too much stress. So at least she's not mad that I blew off steam in her face. Only, did you know that the worst kind of burns are steam burns?
So I updated my other blogs...
-June 1, 2005
And I know that God is doing this, but I'm still struggling with fear. Maybe because I really believe, deep down, that I have to deserve what I get and I must be an awful person not to deserve this.
maybe I should be taking my vitamins
-August 3, 2005
And in that case it was actually a good thing I was late with the countout cue, because it means that the sound didn't make it onto the tape until after time was over. Because once the sound is on the tape you can't salvage anything. Now if only I can erase the bad words I said over the cue channel.
-August 31, 2005
But God isn't the puppet of the televangelists. He doesn't need them to bring his secret will to the masses, any more than he needs Captain Kirk to bring him a starship.
I love to tell the story
-Feb 3, 2006
I'm beginning to wonder if that's why I'm here now. Not to prep for L.A. (although if I do move out there it'll be good to have this poverty experience), not to get the necessary education for "the next step," but to actually love these people, these friends I do love, who don't know my Lord and don't love Him like I wish they did. Maybe God put me here because this is where he wants me to stay.
I'm beginning to wonder
-March 5, 2006
I'm never going to get married, am I? Without God doing a lot of working, I don't know if I'll be able to trust anyone close enough to my age to be willing to love him. If I do marry, I bet he'll be closer to my folk's age than to mine. And that's pretty sad.
I'm afraid of people my own age
-March 6, 2006
Despite what I had thought, it really is possible to set up the studio in nearly full PPE. I wasn't wearing an air pack, and I left off my gloves and nomex hood. And I took off the helmet to set up. But it is possible. I'm never doing it again.
I'm gonna be on tv
-March 23, 2006
I don't know why that chore is the most fun, kid-like thing so that suddenly I'm not a firefighter/EMT-in-training/secretary type person, or even artistic photographer/drama lover/camera operator/responsible-adult-with-a-grown-up-job type person. I'm just a kid who loves playing in the water and running around barefoot. Never mind that as a kid I never did either of those.
I'm an imp. Or at least I was yesterday
-April 6, 2006
I think it's the most comforting verse in the entire Bible. If we are faithless (and we know we are), He will still be faithful, because it's not about us at all. It's about His relationship with Himself, and we're caught up and tied into it. Because He has the perfect relationship with Himself, we live.
if we are faithless...
-June 23, 2006
It's one of those really horrible scenes that haunts you - how could anyone be so cruel? Only it's even more haunting when you realize just how true it is. A snake in a garden, a man and a woman - and a hand grenade that destroyed the world. And - knowing it would cost his life, the Lord of glory taking the grenade away - dying to do so. But the funny thing (that isn't funny at all but horrible) is that, unlike the baby in the movie, we're not screaming and crying from the confusion while we don't understand. Instead, we're like a typical two-year-old who has found a toy. "MINE!!!" and pulling away from the one who wants to take it away. The pin has already been pulled, what is "MINE!!!" is already poised to kill. Christ will take it. But how unwillingly we give it to Him. Even when we're His and we understand, or at least know, that what He gives is best. Still "MINE!!" "It's MY life, I want to live it like I want to." "MY love life! NOT yours!" "MY time! MY money!!" "MINE!!!!!"
the (un)holy hand grenade
-June 26, 2006
I'm just curious - was this story's hero originally named "Chris"? After finding the word "Logantian" twice, I had to wonder if someone might have done a find/replace with Chris switched for Logan. ;)
an embarrassing email from my editor
-Sept. 7, 2006
The more I see these people I love who don't know Him, the more I don't have the faintest clue how I'm supposed to "be a light" and draw them to Him. The more useless as a witness I feel. I can't save them, I don't have a clue how to start.
But I guess that's kind of the whole point, isn't it? I can't save them any more than I can save myself. I am weak, I'm completely and utterly unable to even know what to do, much less to do what they need to be saved. But when I am weak I am strong. Because His strength is made perfect in weakness. Like Paul's thorn in the flesh.
helpless and weak
-Oct. 16, 2006
And at the shift change today, he told Jared "I met your sister. Did you know that she's a fire fighter?"
So he thought he'd call and tell me. Just in case I hadn't heard.
did you know that you're a fire fighter?
-Oct. 24, 2006
And it's so weird, because never once, though I know in my head, never once has it broken through to my feelings, that this isn't just the wedding of some girl who I know a bit and who considers me a friend. She's going to be my sister. And for some reason I can't think of this wedding as having to do with anyone but her. I feel really weird here.
I feel really weird here
-Nov. 27, 2006
Should I be surprised when God answers prayers? Especially prayers for help to serve and to be what He wants me to be?
I shouldn't be amazed. I did ask for God to pour His Holy Spirit on me, but not in the sensational ways they're used to - I wanted to see the "Greater works," not the tongues and falling out. And He has. My God, my God, I stand in awe of You!!!
I don't know why I should be surprised
-March 9, 2007
I want to be as human as possible, but I always come across as a cactus.
It's just not fair. It's just not fair at all. Why do I have to be prickly when I want to be so human?
I can admit when I'm depressed
-May 12, 2007
I feel like my connector is broken, like a plug on an outlet that's a little too short to make the connection. My solution - try harder, or else give up in despair.
Instead - God can hardwire me in. I shouldn't try to do it on my own, but His strength is made perfect in weakness, and here, as in my ability to keep a tidy house, my weakness provides a pretty obvious chance for His strength to show up.
God is there
-May 14, 2007
I'm so lousy with people. It's really funny that I don't feel like God's called me to save lives, to put out fires, to feed students, to run a camera - whatever it is I do in my various jobs. It'd be so much easier if my calling was just to do something. But as Michael Card said once - you need to remember "I am not my gift," and the important thing is always to give yourself, not just what you can do. And that's what God has called me to. I'm not my gift, whatever it is.
an odd irony
-June 16, 2007
I feel like this is just a short term thing, like when I'm done with training I'm just going to go back to my old life - only a little more prepared to meet the stuff I deal with there.
three weeks
-July 27, 2007
Even though I was really kind of an awkward, miserable kid most of the time - somehow the times I remember just really enjoying myself the most are the times in and after college that I felt free to just play.
I should read back more often
-March 21, 2008 |
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| I should read back more often... |
[Mar. 21st, 2008|11:21 am] |
It's Easter break, so I didn't have to go to work this morning. A very nice thing, and I stayed out until almost 11 last night because I could. Usually my bedtime is around 9 or at the latest 10 (and if it's at 10:00 I regret it the next day), since I have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning. But for the whole weekend, I'm off.
So I slept in. At least, I didn't even wake up until 6:30, and didn't get out of bed until about 8:00. And I've been on the computer looking at old lj posts ever since.
It's interesting to go back and look at my life as told publicly. There's a lot that I'd completely forgotten about, forgotten how doing something made me feel. Like how much fun I had the first time I spent a day washing the fire trucks. The times that I just did something random, and enjoyed it like a little kid. Because after a while it got so routine, I doubt most of the stuff I wrote about as a newbie fire fighter will ever be that fresh and exciting again.
Then I also had forgotten just how big so much of what was going on during the years I was almost entirely alone and unemployed (not completely on either count, but enough to seriously affect my outlook on life). And going back to read the comments from my friends - proving that I'm not really alone no matter how much I feel like it. But it's very nice to know that in some ways I'm growing up. It doesn't ever bother me anymore not to get a comment on a blog entry. It used to make me feel so alone and insecure and wonder what was wrong with me, that none of my friends would go out of their way to prove to me that my fears were wrong when they would constantly support other friends on their blogs. Now I think I understand better. And I think I'm more secure, in who I am and in not being alone, even if the internet doesn't provide piles of affirmation.
On the other hand, it was really good to go back and just remember things I'd forgotten completely about. I remember now spending hours barefoot in my garden, with my jeans rolled up over my knees and a big straw hat shading my face. I actually am not a gardener and don't really enjoy it. But I liked feeling like a kid on holiday. I'm beginning to remember at various times the things I did or enjoyed the times that I felt free to just be me. And I had so much fun with certain things. And with a new start, a new home, it's time to recreate that delight. I'm finding myself looking forward to just doing certain things - stuff that no one's going to criticize you for, but that's not the point at all.
Even though I was really kind of an awkward, miserable kid most of the time - somehow the times I remember just really enjoying myself the most are the times in and after college that I felt free to just play. Only I got to pretend it was legitimate - like on the fire department when I first joined, I just loved playing "show and tell" (where's the Halligan on the truck?), dress-up (and be dressed in less than two minutes and breathing air), and "make-believe" (let's make-believe that Maclellan Hall is burning down...). Or when I didn't have my drivers license yet and had to go look for a job. I biked all over the top of the mountain for a month one summer (before I got a job playing in the dirt for the grounds department at the college), never really caring that no one was actually hiring. Then I filled my bike tires with a basketball pump accidentally, to the pressure recommended on the pump. What was worse, I did it at a home on my route (they said I was welcome to) when they weren't home so I had to figure out how to get about two miles with a tireless bike. And my ears were ringing. But I still look back on that summer as one in which I was truly happy most of the time.
I'm trying to look back and learn from the things I enjoyed, so I can do them again, instead of just trying to be happy by force of will while I'm doing stuff I don't hate but don't particularly care about either. Or else I used to love but I've burned out on, or it's just become routine because I still have to do it.
I'm helping a friend remodel a deck. It's awesome, and he really knows what he's doing so I'm learning. He doesn't mind that he has to explain everything, sometimes more than once, and that my efforts are not unlike those of a second-grader just learning cursive. Going back and re-doing pretty much everything... I thought I was decent with a hammer and a saw. It's a bit humbling but really really fun too.
I'm hoping to get into the carpenter's union apprenticeship program come August. That's when the next aptitude test is. I've always liked construction, and I want to actually learn what I'm doing. Working with Mike on his deck is a God-send. And I think - no, I'm pretty sure - I know what I'm going to do until I can.
I need to get out of Chartwells. I'm doing fine but I'm not really well suited for food-service. Or it's not suited for me. I'm stagnating, bored out of my skull most of the time, and it's a dead-end job. Plus there's too many days off with no compensation. And come May Term, that's a full three weeks.
But I don't really think that I'd have any trouble getting one of the maintenance shops to hire me over the summer. So I could actually be working over May term, not have to feed Student Life two meals every day (and the inconsistent schedule of working the conference department), I could come in to work at 8:00 instead of 6:30 - and I really miss seeing those guys all the time. Most of the men in maintenance have been my dad's best friends most of my life, and I know I'm their "baby girl." I've worked for them before, I just never thought I'd try to work for them again. But I will.
I never have worked carpentry, that's the best I think for what I want to do. But if not... James would be thrilled to have me in painting, I'm quite skilled there after about three summers, and Phil would like me in Electrical though I do not have my brother's almost magic gift with it. I'm sure Bill Mac would willingly take me in plumbing... and if worse comes to worse, I could work grounds again.
So I think I have a potential to spend time being happy again, and not just by force of will, but by the stuff I'm doing and the people I'm doing it with. Only it'll be a much richer happiness, because now I know that I know how. I just have to practice. And I don't "have to be perfect." And pressure hurts happiness. I can't wait. |
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| old poetry, written in college |
[Mar. 19th, 2008|06:28 pm] |
Goodbye
Where did all the time go? The time we spent as friends
the days we spent together, why do they have to end?
Hours sharing homework, laughing until we cried
you graduate next weekend; I hate to say goodbye.
When did all the days pass? I thought they'd never end.
All those times we used to have, we'll never have again
Well keep on growing older, seeing life anew -
growing up means letting go, as I let go of you.
Times may seem eternal, but life on earth is brief,
and painful separations should not bring only grief.
Joy for all the good times, and friends we have today
we know we'll be together, for heaven is always.
-Tabitha Higgins
Fool's Gold
Iron pyrite is worthless junk,
yet it's fooled so many new
at searching the depths for hidden wealth
when "gold" came into view.
Can it be that life offers more fool's gold
than just the stuff in streams?
When looking for love perhaps we find
our iron pyrite dreams.
They say that those who've struck it rich
will never be taken in
by shiny but worthless mineral "wealth"
they won't be fooled again.
If puppy love and the crushes of youth
are naught but a foolish dream
does that mean love is nothing more
than rocks with a shiny gleam?
Yet those miners of old who stuck it out
often finally struck on gold
and those who wait upon the Lord
can be blessed even when they are old.
-Tabitha Higgins
When I was very young, my great grandfather used to tell me that the color of my eyes was "sky blue pink." I have no idea where he got that idea from, whether it's something forgotten in old popular culture or just something he made up just to be random and have fun. Either way...
sky blue pink
eyes sky blue and pink from crying
that can't be what great-grandpa meant
what you see when my dreams are dying
and all the tears that I have are spent
colors betray the burning pain.
not spent, the tears return more forceful
should someone offer a kindly word
not meaning to make him feel remorseful
when vapors in my heart are stirred
I sometimes wonder if I'm insane.
-Tabitha Higgins |
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| I feel like crap |
[Feb. 8th, 2008|03:22 pm] |
I've had a low-grade migraine for three days, my gut is starting to complain about something or other I had for breakfast or lunch (or maybe that I didn't have? did I even eat breakfast?), I wanted to lie down and die when I was getting ready to get off work at 1:00 this afternoon when my bosses begged me to work "another fifteen minutes." All day I've been doing stuff I'm ok at but don't do normally so every time I turned around it seemed like someone was telling me something I should have done differently.
We're understaffed on a weekend where we've got hundreds of extra people. And I have to go back in to work in half an hour. And I'm working tomorrow too.
Can I just find a hole in the ground and curl up and pass out for about a week? Please? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|03:19 pm] |
Life is beginning to shape itself again - and I'm not sure if I want to be partaking as much. I'm tired. I really should just go lie down for an hour. It snowed last night. They closed the college until 10:00, but that doesn't mean the kitchen closes. I still had to be at work my normal time if I wasn't actually iced in. Which I wasn't.
It's some sort of scholarship weekend, with a banquet tonight, so everything was just a little different. For instance, we weren't allowed to park where we normally park. Normally I park across the main campus and walk, but this time we were instructed to park either at the gym or the soccer field. "There will be a shuttle service from 7:00 until 5:00." I had to be at work at 6:30.
It was cold last night. I just crashed in my work uniform, with a sweatshirt and a jacket on over it. When I woke up I prayed it wasn't too wrinkled and pulled my winter coat on over the jacket. But actually, with the snow and the cloud cover, it was a lot less cold than it was before, even though we had almost two inches of snow on the ground (for Lookout Mountain, that's a recent record though I think a few years ago we had one "storm" with three, and there was one my sophomore year too).
All day was chaotic. The catering director had stayed later last night so she didn't come in - so it was my job to skirt a table, maybe show a new workstudy student how ("though she can probably just figure it out" - it's not hard, but it's not exactly intuitive either if you've never seen it done). Then later one of the managers called me into the office with a phone call. The last time that happened it was a pointless personal call that shouldn't have happened at all. I was relieved that it was actually Lynn. "Tabitha, did you find the skirts I left out for you? I wish I knew where those three skirts we had at the gym were at..." I told her I'd actually found them in the catering closet, I knew it was them because one was filthy with pudding (the puddings had spilled all over the back of the catering van at an event last Friday) "well, I guess Katy must have found them at the gym but she said she'd call me if she did..."
Later she called Bob, the new director. I couldn't remember where she'd said the white table skirts were for this other table we needed. She told me and said "if you need more clips they're in a box in my office up on the left shelf." So brand new clips - they wouldn't stay on the table. And this was before I even put the skirts on. I swapped out a few with the tables I'd already skirted and they fell completely off the table with the weight of the material. So I gave one of the good ones to Bob because he was going to the rental place and would just pick up some. Later someone told me "Lynn said there was a box of a hundred clips so we shouldn't need to use these (that Bob had picked up)" Only the the box of clips were the ones that didn't work.
I do actually enjoy this job - the chaos can be fun sometimes, and it's always funny watching people panicking over something so simple. But I was also glad to walk away at 3:00.
Because now it's my turn to have to face the chaos. Well, not really. But tonight is drill - and it's my first time running the show. With no drivers. Chief Sharp texted me the other day saying "come up with something 4 Thurs, I will have the officers with me." There aren't any drivers who aren't officers.
So it's going to be classroom tonight. Because I don't want to flow water when it might ice again.
It should be fun though. and hopefully not chaos.
I've got a bunch of colleagues and friends rooting for me to do well, and no one that I know of hoping I'll fail. And without the officers, maybe I won't be awkward that I'm trying to teach what they know better.
Then again, since I took NPQ once completely and part of NPQ a second time, there really isn't anyone who's had higher formal training than me. So maybe I shouldn't be nervous at all.
Who knows.
But life is beginning to be interesting again. |
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